Annie's Dating Blog

Annie, I recently discovered that my boyfriend, Barry, is seeing another woman.

When I confronted him, he said that he didn't know why I was upset, as we had never agreed to be exclusive. We were in touch almost every day, and saw each other several times a week for four years. We spent holidays with each other's families. There was no reason for me to think he was seeing other people.

Obviously, I'm moving on—he completely lost my trust.

How can I avoid this situation in the future? Marissa

Marissa, The short answer is that you should continue dating others until both of you verbally agree to an exclusive relationship.

Before you do so, it's vital that each of you understands what exclusivity means to the other.

• Does it imply that both of you are hoping to build a future together?
• Does it mean that you're only dating each other until one of you becomes interested in someone else?
• Or are you only dating each other for now, with no further expectations?
• Are you agreeing to short-term exclusivity in order to enable a sexual liaison?

 

Timing is everything

If you're like most women, you're likely to want exclusivity sooner than a man. While it might feel right to stop dating others after a few dates, it's not wise. He's more likely to pursue exclusivity if he sees that you enjoy meeting others and are happily living your life. Don't make him a priority if he is only making you an option.

If he doesn't ask to be exclusive within a few months, back off. Tell him that, as much as you enjoy spending time together, it doesn't look like you're seeking the same thing. Then say goodbye. Although there is a small chance that he'll pursue you further, it's far more likely that he'll move on because he was never interested in an exclusive relationship with you. You'll be glad that you continued dating others.

If one of you isn't ready

It's best if you allow the man to set the pace of your relationship. He will happily ask you to be his one-and-only when he's decided it's what he wants.

If you ask a man to be exclusive and he's not ready to do so, he's likely to feel pressured into a premature decision. Most guys will feel compelled to break it off in order to protect you from even more pain in the future.

If a man who's interested asks you to be exclusive and you don't feel ready, he'll usually be patient while you make up your mind. Otherwise, he's probably just sexually attracted.

Focus on the quality of your budding relationship and keep seeing others until both of you are comfortable discussing where you're going.

Dear Annie, I've been seeing Larry for a while and have been under the impression that everything is going well. But, I became incredibly upset when I recently discovered that he is still active online. How can I tell him that this is unacceptable without driving him away? I am anxious to get this resolved as soon as possible! Lois

Lois, How you approach the situation depends on what you and Larry have agreed upon. Have you verbally committed to date only each other? Did both of you promise to take your profiles down?

If you haven't discussed these issues, it's reasonable to expect that he may still be interested in dating others. Your best bet is to ignore his online activity.

You should also ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship in which you have a one-sided commitment. If that is the case, you don't need to break up. Instead, choose to date others unless he wants to become exclusive.

If you have decided to date exclusively, but not agreed on how to handle your online dating activity, it's possible that he's "just seeing who is online." It's not unusual for a man go online to view women's profiles without intending to meet in person.

It's usually best to allow him to stop cruising online dating sites without pressure from you. One of my former clients wanted me to see what a great guy she was dating. She asked me to take a look at her boyfriend's profile after they had been dating for a few months. I discovered that he had been active within 24 hours. I didn't mention it to her because she was happy, he was treating her well and I didn't want to cause unnecessary anxiety. My strategy paid off as they are now married.

If you have agreed that you are exclusive and that neither of you will use online dating sites, you have the right to initiate a discussion about his activity. But, please use caution. Just the fact that you're aware that he's active on the dating site may cause him to accuse you of spying on him or to wonder if you are using the site to meet other men. It's easy for this conversation to end badly.

So, if you must bring it up, rather than put him on the defensive, wait until you have calmed down. Then, mention how you discovered his online dating activity, and listen to what he has to say. Maybe he was checking out a profile for a friend. Perhaps you misunderstood each other.

In general, monitoring any of your beau's behavior can lead to unnecessary drama. If he's treating you well and lets you know that he's interested in exploring the possibility of a future together within the first couple of months, it's usually best to show him that you trust him by allowing him to choose when he wants to stop online dating.

The art of saying "no" without hurting his feelings

Hi Annie, I'm a fifty year-old woman who just started dating after the end of a twenty-three year relationship.

The men I'm dating are becoming physically affectionate much too quickly. My last date wanted to hold my hand in an overly affectionate way. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but didn't know how to handle it without hurting his feelings.

I need to allow chemistry to build slowly. How can I respond to this type of situation in a diplomatic way? Susan

Susan, Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. Expressions of physical affection are only appropriate if they are welcome by both participants.

Most men will respond well if you are kind, honest and playful when you tell them that they are moving too fast. Those who don't respect your wishes are unlikely to honor you in other situations; so it makes sense to interpret disrespect as a sign that you should move on.

Make the assumption that he's getting physical because he likes you. He'll probably respond best if you reinforce his romantic feelings as you set your boundaries.

I suggest that you use this three-step technique. You can use this method to deflect most unwelcome attention, but I'll use hand holding as an example.

The key is that you deliver it with a flirtatious smile and a friendly tone of voice. Say:

1. "I really enjoy touching and holding hands in a romantic way. It's such a great feeling."
2. "But it takes me time to feel comfortable when I'm just getting to know you. I need to take things slowly. I'm not ready yet."
3. "I'm so looking forward to feeling like I know you well enough to feel the kind of chemistry it would take to make me comfortable with this. I'm really enjoying your company."

Keep smiling, withdraw your hand and change the subject, while you maintain the friendly tone of the conversation. The key is to discourage his action without accusing him of acting inappropriately. If you give him positive attention, let him know you like him, and signal that there is a possibility of mutually enjoyable physical contact in the future, his feelings will likely emerge unscathed.

Most men expect to be told "no" at times during courtship. The key is doing so in a playful, generous and compassionate manner. 

How to increase your chances of finding The One

Finding love is the top New Year's resolution for most single people over fifty, according to a recent Huffington Post article. If want to vastly increase your chances of a lasting romance, plan to do things a little differently in the coming year.

Resolve to:

1. Become open to a variety of new possibilities. The love of your life may well look different then you have previously envisioned. When you fall for someone right away, your connection is likely to fall apart within a few months.
2. Rather than becoming invested in the outcome, accept that it takes time to discover if someone might be your true love.
3. Spruce up your appearance so that you're more likely to attract interest. Don't leave home without looking your best.
4. Get out and meet new people every day. Show a friendly interest in others, vary your schedule in order to find the best times to interact with people who may be of interest and ask friends for introductions. Use online dating sites to meet potential dates who you wouldn't ordinarily encounter.
5. Approach new introductions and dates with open expectations and a positive attitude. Rather than trying to ascertain if he or she is "the one," ask yourself if he or she is a possible new friend. It's unrealistic to expect that someone who you are just getting to know is an absolute "yes;" they are either a "no way" or a "maybe."
6. View attraction as an opportunity to discover if you're compatible, rather than as a signal that you must immediately pursue a relationship. As you become better acquainted, you'll have opportunities to see whether both of your actions indicate that you have similar values and relationship goals.

If you choose to adopt these resolutions you are likely notice a difference in your love life within a short time. If you need support, my coaching programs have helped hundreds of people. Please contact me for a consultation to see if coaching is right for you.

Are men just waiting for women to pursue them?

Dear Annie, Please tell men how to treat women. Lots of guys say they want to date me, but don’t bother to take the initiative. They wait for me to pursue them. Why can’t they take action?

How quickly should you expect a response to your online dating email?

Hi Annie, I'm an energetic entrepreneur from Down Under. I've been in the U.S. off and on for a few years now and am finally settling in. I am doing online dating and have continued to be frustrated that women do not return my emails or texts within 24 hours. It feels disrespectful. I don't treat anyone that way, either professionally or personally. I'm looking for the same respect in return: at a minimum. Should I keep my high standards or should I change my views? Thanks, Frustrated!

How long should you date before taking down your profile?

Dear Annie, I met Al online a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember ever experiencing such a profound initital connection.

He's not ready for a relationship

Dear Annie, I just had a difficult conversation with Jill. We dated for a couple of months, and she asked where our relationship was going. I reminded her that I told her, on our first date, that I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

I seemed like a great first date...

Dear Annie, Mike and I had a wonderful first date. We talked about everything. We both want to get married and have kids. He makes good money and lives in a great neighborhood, so I'm sure he'll be a great provider.

She wants an emotional commitment before they sleep together

Dear Annie, Where can I meet a man who is not in a hurry to have sex? I tell the men I date that I need an emotional commitment beforehand. But if I don't sleep with them after a few dates, they break up with me. Stephanie

Why first dates should be more fun

Are your first few dates often fun meetings where you're becoming better acquainted with someone new? Or do they always feel like pop quizzes?

Pay attention to his actions

If you have to ask if he's your boyfriend...he probably isn't.

Most men express how they feel through their actions. If he wants to be your boyfriend, you'll know, because he'll treat you well. You'll never have to wonder what he's thinking, because he'll be there for you.

Attraction: influenced by appearance

Attraction is visual, so if you're looking for love, make sure that you're looking good whenever you encounter people! This is easier said than done. The other day, I needed a locksmith when I was not looking my best.

He's tired of being alone

Annie, I'm an ordinary guy, and I know that women are not looking for me. It's been over ten years of nothing and I am sick of being alone. Ron

How can a regular guy attract women?

Stan is an intelligent, attractive and kind man who wants to be in a committed relationship. His biggest challenge has been that he believes he's not interesting enough to attract women.

Chemistry on the dance floor

Recently, I met a guy and immediately felt a strong attraction. We danced a couple of times and chatted afterwards.

The wrong men ask for her number

Dear Annie, Why do only men I'm not interested in want my number? The ones I'm attracted to never ask! Sylvia

Did his distancing behavior end their relationship?

Dear Annie, When my boyfriend, Stan, asked me to move in, I thought that I could handle his occasional uncommunicative moods.

My client, Linda, introduced herself to Joe on match.com. After exchanging a few emails and phone calls, they met for coffee. They had great rapport, and when Linda had to leave to run an errand, Joe suggested that he accompany her.

Wondering how to meet someone great online? Perhaps you've heard the latest statistics show that 30 percent of all new relationships are originating online. Is it just hype?