Did his distancing behavior end their relationship?

Dear Annie, When my boyfriend, Stan, asked me to move in, I thought that I could handle his occasional uncommunicative moods.

She moved in, only to be pushed away

However, his bouts of distancing himself became more frequent than ever. Rather than feeling welcomed into his life, I felt pushed away. He became physically colder and insisted on spending long periods of time alone.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He often snapped at me when I initiated a conversation. When I told him how I felt about his behavior, he seemed frustrated.

In the end I broke up with him. Even though I adore his wonderful side, and I know he loved me, I could no longer take the hurt that his withdrawal created.

In recent weeks, we have started spending a bit of time together, no more than once a week. He is now wonderful, affectionate and attentive. But I will not get back together as I am afraid he will revert to his previous behavior. Corrine

Can they just be friends?

Corrine, Your instincts are correct. If you get back together, his distancing behavior most likely will resurface. At the moment, he's able to be free with his emotions because he cares for you and is comfortable with a part-time girlfriend.

If that's not what you want, your relationship styles are incompatible. It may be in your best interest to break up with him so that you're available to someone who is a better fit.

I was recently in a similar situation, and I puzzled over this question: How can you tell if your beau's occasional distancing will result in minor annoyance, or if it will become toxic enough to end the relationship?

Can an introvert find happiness with an extrovert?

It turns out that extroverts (that's me) and introverts (that's him—we'll call him Cal) have different relationship styles that frequently lead to misunderstanding and conflict. Our experience was typical of many liaisons between introverts and extroverts.

I discovered that extroverts become energized as they connect with others. When they feel anxious, they are likely to seek company. Extroverts tend to perceive questions as a sign of interest. They are generally comfortable when revealing things about themselves, speaking off-the-cuff or acting spontaneously.

On the other hand, introverts value their self-reliance and solitude. When they feel anxious, they tend to withdraw. Connecting with others for too long exhausts them. Introverts tend to resent questions, perceiving them as a sign of intrusion. Introverts mostly keep their thoughts private, and feel compelled to think long and hard before speaking or taking action.

As an extrovert, I expressed love by showing an interest in Cal's life. As an introvert, he often avoided answering my questions, bristling because he felt that I was checking up on him. My extrovert feelings were hurt when he didn't ask about my activities. But, as an introvert, he felt that he was showing love by respecting my privacy.

As an extrovert, I routinely chatted with people about a variety of topics. As an introvert, he often sat back, watching, not saying much. His introvert relationship style was to grant both of us total freedom and express love by not intruding in my life. This was in sharp contrast to my inclusive, outgoing, connection-seeking personality.

Blinded (temporarily) by chemistry

You might wonder how people who are so intrinsically different get together in the first place. The chemistry of connection often causes both people to have infatuation-blindness. The chemical high also causes the introverted person to temporarily become more outgoing.

Because introverts often feel left out and misunderstood, they may not feel comfortable truly being themselves until they are confident that they are in a committed relationship.

Understanding both yourself and your beau's fundamental personality types is the key to avoiding such a mismatch.