Do you behave as if you have to fix a man?
Dear Annie, My last three relationships were ruined because the women were too bossy. One insisted that we talk for an hour every day. Another demanded that we get together whenever I had free time. The last one criticized how I did almost everything, whether it was cutting bread, driving to a restaurant, or doing the dishes (in my own apartment, no less!) Why do some women think they have to "fix" their men? John
John, The Wall Street Journal recently claimed that nagging—which they define as "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it"—destroys more relationships than adultery.
Although men occasionally nag, it seems to be more prevalent with women.
A women may feel inspired to nag her partner if she feels overwhelmed by anxiety when something isn't going as expected. She might be trying to figure out why you are behaving differently than she would, in the same situation, and conclude that you need guidance.
Women often feel a sense of urgency about what is going on in their relationships. They also typically wonder about men's motives. They often ask, "Why would he do that? It makes no sense." (I rarely, if ever, hear a man ask that question.)
For example, if you haven't called when she thinks you should, she may become distressed and interpret it to mean that you no longer care for her—no matter what is actually going on.
Many women aren't aware that they are nagging. Often, they believe that they are simply expressing their needs without understanding that they may be running the risk of destroying their romance.
Five signs that you're nagging when you are first dating:
1. Checking to confirm your date. Instead, trust that he's going to keep his word. If he doesn't, you have a bigger problem.
2. Telling him that his choice of date venue isn't up to snuff. Rather than focusing on the setting, pay attention to getting acquainted.
3. Contacting him to find out if he's going to see you again. If you thank him at the end of a date, you can avoid doing so the next day. Men often interpret that as angling for another date.
4. Calling or texting just to chat. Men don't always reconnect as quickly as a woman might like. Pay attention to his sense of timing. You'll hear from him when he is ready to get in touch.
5. Questioning whether he has good intentions. You're not going to find out if he's a player or just out for sex by asking. And, by doing so, you are likely to turn off the good guys.
Five signs that you're nagging when you're in a relationship:
1. Insisting on managing his free time. A man is more likely to be drawn to a woman who trusts that he will include her whenever possible.
2. Offering directions when he hasn't asked. Whether he's driving, fixing a meal, or doing household chores, try to respect that he's chosen a method that works for him.
3. Giving ultimatums. Instead, relax, allow things to unfold and make sure that your expectations are realistic. If it's not working for you, back off.
4. Telling him how to behave around friends or relatives. He is responsible for what he says and does. If you don't like it and can't ignore it, perhaps he's not the man for you.
5. Installing yourself as behavioral manager of your relationship. Rather than inspiring him to modify his behavior, your criticism is likely to make him distance himself. Allowing your anxiety to cause you to attempt to dictate his behavior likely to ruin your relationship.
In order to stop nagging, a woman needs to trust that the man in her life wants to make her happy, but that she must to allow him to do it in his own way and on his own time.
