Annie, you say that when you are choosing a mate, you are making a decision based on who he is right now, not who he will be at as he moves through the rigors of life. Aren’t we supposed to have a sense of this when dating and make decisions based on it? Elizabeth

Elizabeth, You can’t know everything about how anyone will respond to situations that come up in the future. You may even surprise yourself one day. That is why it’s important to take time getting to know a guy before committing to the long haul.

According to USF neuropsychiatrist, Louann Brizendine, love’s potent chemical cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, and sex hormones shut down the brain’s critical-thinking pathways. Passionate love is an involuntary brain state, creating effects similar to cocaine addiction or an Ecstasy high. When you’re newly in love, you throw caution to the wind. It’s why, when a man who you’re crazy about doesn’t honor his word, you’ll search for reasons to excuse his behavior. The feeling of being together is so rewarding that you will do almost anything to get it.

When you’re in the throes of passionate love, everything is possible. You are perfect for each other, and your vision of your future is bright. His annoying habits are inconsequential, you excuse lapses in his behavior, and create work-arounds for looming incompatibilities.

This brain state begins to dissipate after about six months, as oxytocin--the bonding chemical--begins to predominate. It may feel as if the romance is fading from the relationship, as passion is replaced by a sense of connection and pleasure with each other’s company.

What is actually happening in your relationship also creates behavioral differences. When you live apart, and are seeing each other a few times a week, scarcity drives romantic longing. Couples who are dating frequently enjoy lazy mornings in bed, snuggling in front of the fire and fun excursions. At that point, it’s hard to imagine what your beloved might be like when you are living in the same house, dealing with children or career issues, and barely having ten minutes alone each night before dropping into bed, exhausted. Not to mention how each of your coping skills jive when one of life’s inevitable challenges, like major career changes, illness, or death of a loved one strike.

No one can see all of this while dating—nor do you want to. One of the keys to continuing your relationship with your loved one is the ability to maintain your sense of admiration and connection—if you don’t have that, no one will ever seem right for you.

For more about this, see my SF Examiner article Nice guy, not perfect Part 1.