Dear Annie, My friends keep telling me that I'm too picky. But when it comes to finding true love, I think that it's really important to get exactly what you want. I think that my marriage failed because I didn't choose the right person.

I'm a great catch. I'm very attractive, smart, in great shape, witty, sexy, etc. I have a beautiful home, successful career and lots of interesting friends. I've worked hard to get all of this put together. Now, I'm ready to have a man in my life. The trouble is, after a couple of years of dating, I'm not finding too many age-appropriate guys who meet my (justifiably) high standards. Where are they? Why should I settle for less? Cynthia

Dear Cynthia, You haven't told me what your expectations are. But, if after a couple of years of dating, you're not meeting a compatible, loving man, you might want to explore whether your standards are helping or hindering you.

Think of dating as if you were shopping for the perfect dress. You can fantasize what it's going to look like - color, style and fit. You can even imagine how you're going to look and feel in it. You know exactly what you want. Now start shopping. You find something close, and try it on. It's too short, too tight around your waist, and it makes you look fat. You keep looking, and try other dresses and outfits on. Maybe you find something that fits beautifully and makes you feel wonderful. After you take it home, you might decide to return it because it still wasn't quite right--maybe it didn't go with anything in your closet. Perhaps, when you put it in your closet, you discover it coordinates with your accessories, and that it's the perfect dress. Now, what are are the odds that this is exactly like the dress that you pictured when you first started shopping?

If you want to find love, you have to deal with the very real men who are out there. A real guy is...a guy. He's going to look at life differently than you do. He's probably going to have some interests and opinions that you might not share. If you're open to this, you'll be able to enjoy and appreciate men for who they truly are.

When you're in an established relationship, how each of you relate to the other's heart is key. Trusting, supporting and respecting each other's feelings and desires are vital components. You'll have conversations and quiet times, do things together and apart. You'll want to easily negotiate how and which parts of your lives will fit together. When bad things happen, you'll help each other. And on and on.

I would never advise "settling"when it comes to core values. Honesty, integrity, and intelligence are key to a relationship's success. Why do you want a man in your life? I explored this issue with one of my clients, and she realized that, in the end, she wanted a great friend who shared her values, with whom she could share conversations, companionship and lovemaking.

Qualities like "tall, dark, handsome, great sense of humor, loves to (read, dance, travel...you name it)" are icing on the cake. Yet many people rule out loving, kind, and caring potential partners on the grounds that those kinds of criteria are not met. What if he's a great guy, but there's no chemistry? Chemistry CAN be created - especially with someone who you like in the first place. I'll be giving a workshop on that topic in the near future.

When it comes to love, you do the best you can, with the information you have. People get married, grow and change. No one expects to get divorced - yet half of us do. No list of expectations, no matter how exacting and well thought-out is going to change that. But attending to what is important to your heart--and your connection with each other--makes a huge difference.

When you find someone who seems like he might fit, take your list and put it on hold for a while. Spend time with him, and you might just discover that he's perfect in ways that you just can't imagine.

Here's to a great love life! Annie