Dear Annie, Is it OK for a woman to ask a man out? I’ve seen “Joe” at several San Francisco business networking events and I enjoy his company. He’s smart, charming and has a great sense of humor. He’s been divorced for two or three years, and spends a lot of time working--just like I do. I would love to get to know him better. How do I ask him out? Thanks, Debbie

Dear Debbie, It’s rarely a good idea for a woman to ask a man out. Instead, send him signals that you're interested in him.

Although sexually defined roles have changed, social rituals tied to courtship, appear to be biologically hard-wired. Men usually take on the role of pursuer, and easily perceive women who ask them out as being desperate. But many men enjoy knowng that their overtures will be welcome.

Think about it this way: If you are the only one pursuing the relationship, it wouldn’t feel right to you. You want him to woo you. If you ask him out for the first date, you probably expect him to take it from there. You don't want to be the one who initiates most phone calls and future dates as men tend to lose interest when that happens.

When he pursues you, and asks for the first few dates and most phone calls, you both understand this ritual. Both of you will probably feel more comfortable as things progress. As your relationship becomes more established, it's OK if either of you itinitiates contact.

This doesn’t mean that you have to passively wait for his call. Women have always had the ability to signal their interest in a man, and wait it to him to decide whether or not he wants to pursue her. Women no longer drop handkerchiefs in men's path, as they would have in the nineteenth century, but the concept is the same.

For example, you could tell him that you are interested in trying new wine bars. Pause, and give him a couple of seconds to think. Be sure to smile and have a twinkle in your eyes. (If you don’t know how, practice in a mirror.) Face him; use friendly, open body language: such as having your palms up. Ask him if he has been to the XYZ wine bar. If he has, ask for his opinion. Tell him that you’re thinking about trying it soon. Pause, and repeat the body language. If he doesn’t get the hint, and ask you out, simply continue the conversation, speaking about whatever comes next; such as mentioning your friends who told you about wine bar. After a couple of minutes, flirtatiously excuse yourself, in the hope of leaving him wanting more.

You might also invite him to join a group event, such as a party or a networking event, where you'll see him again.

It might take a man some time to figure out that you’re interested, and decide that he wants to pursue you. He’ll follow through if he likes you. If he doesn’t, you are no worse of than you would have been if you had asked him out.

If you appear confident, playful and light, as you invite further contact, men will be motivated to ask you out. The ones who don’t are sending you the message that they aren’t interested. Here's to a great love life! Annie