Annie, you say that when you are choosing a mate, you are making a decision based on who he is right now, not who he will be at as he moves through the rigors of life. Aren’t we supposed to have a sense of this when dating and make decisions based on it? Elizabeth

Elizabeth, You can’t know everything about how anyone will respond to situations that come up in the future. You may even surprise yourself one day. That is why it’s important to take time getting to know a guy before committing to the long haul.

According to USF neuropsychiatrist, Louann Brizendine, love’s potent chemical cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, and sex hormones shut down the brain’s critical-thinking pathways. Passionate love is an involuntary brain state, creating effects similar to cocaine addiction or an Ecstasy high. When you’re newly in love, you throw caution to the wind. It’s why, when a man who you’re crazy about doesn’t honor his word, you’ll search for reasons to excuse his behavior. The feeling of being together is so rewarding that you will do almost anything to get it.

When you’re in the throes of passionate love, everything is possible. You are perfect for each other, and your vision of your future is bright. His annoying habits are inconsequential, you excuse lapses in his behavior, and create work-arounds for looming incompatibilities.

This brain state begins to dissipate after about six months, as oxytocin--the bonding chemical--begins to predominate. It may feel as if the romance is fading from the relationship, as passion is replaced by a sense of connection and pleasure with each other’s company.

What is actually happening in your relationship also creates behavioral differences. When you live apart, and are seeing each other a few times a week, scarcity drives romantic longing. Couples who are dating frequently enjoy lazy mornings in bed, snuggling in front of the fire and fun excursions. At that point, it’s hard to imagine what your beloved might be like when you are living in the same house, dealing with children or career issues, and barely having ten minutes alone each night before dropping into bed, exhausted. Not to mention how each of your coping skills jive when one of life’s inevitable challenges, like major career changes, illness, or death of a loved one strike.

No one can see all of this while dating—nor do you want to. One of the keys to continuing your relationship with your loved one is the ability to maintain your sense of admiration and connection—if you don’t have that, no one will ever seem right for you.

For more about this, see my SF Examiner article Nice guy, not perfect Part 1.

Last Saturday, Carlos Xuma and I spent the day with a roomful of 16 midlife single men and women and talked about dating.

How to find someone special. How to connect with them. How to keep them. The question on everyone's mind was "Where do you meet quality people?"

Sad to say, there is no location where all of quality available singles hang out, just waiting to meet that special someone.

And, if there were, you wouldn't be caught dead going there, because you wouldn't want to appear...well, desperate.

The key to meeting new people is to do something different. Get out of the house, change your routine and start talking to strangers.

If you go straight home from work every night, head to a happy hour, a cafe, a class, or a grocery store. Smile and say hello to at least three members of the opposite sex that are fairly close to your age. You can't tell by looking if they are right for you. You don't have to date them. Just say hello. Ask a question about anything. Compliment someone about their taste in jewelry or style. Smile and move on.

Take a class or join an activity--click here for suggestions. The advantage of these groups is that you get to know other participants over time, and have a common topic that you can discuss. Get there a little early and socialize with people as they come in. Be friendly during the break.

The most important thing to remember is that the love of your life is probably a stranger right now. Like discovering a diamond, it will take some exploration and digging to uncover him or her. Enjoy!

Navigating singles events can be challenging, especially if you are a woman hoping that someone will ask you to dance. Or, if you are a man, wishing you could figure out who would say yes!  Ladies, make it easy for a man to ask. The key is to be friendly and approachable--you don't have to be drop-dead gorgeous or the best dancer around. Here are six easy ways to attract more dance invitations.

1) Dress for dancing: Wear clothes that he won’t get his hands tangled in. No floaty tops, dangling scarves, jackets, or fabrics that don't breathe. Don low to medium heeled shoes with leather soles so that you'll move easily on the dance floor. Your jewelry should be minimal, so that it won't catch on clothing or get in his way.

2) As you enter the dance venue, smile and say “hi” to as many men as you can. Pretend that you know every man there and have to say hello to him. This creates an aura of being flirtatious and amiable. Most of the men attending will see you as the type of woman who won't reject him. Even guys who you don’t talk with will feel more comfortable asking you to dance.

3) Tell your girlfriends that you’ll see them later, and go off on your own. You'll seem more approachable if you’re not absorbed in a conversation. Move slowly around the edge of the dance floor. Men who want to dance will stand nearby—those who don’t will go elsewhere. Smile and say "hi" to some of them, while you keep moving.

4) Be aware of dance traffic patterns, and take advantage of them. As you circulate, keep an eye out for the areas where most of the dancers walk onto the dance floor. When the music changes, you will see a flow of people in one or two areas. Often this will be the two front corners of the dance floor. This is where you want to be when the music changes. As men leave the dance floor, you will be seen as someone who is available to dance.

5) Body Language: Smile, and gently move your body to the music while you enjoy watching dancers. Don't try to catch a guy's eye while you're waiting--you'll seem desperate. If you hold your arms at waist level, while keeping your hands empty, you’ll appear ready to dance.

6) Most men love being asked to dance. To minimize the risk of being turned down, ask someone who is standing near the dance floor. He’ll probably accept. Perhaps he’ll say, “Later.” Maybe he’ll find you later on—or not. If he doesn’t, don’t take it personally, just say “next!”

The key to using these tips is act relaxed and friendly. Have fun!

You'll be seeing quite a few changes at Get A Love Life in 2010.

I've just launched a new product: Online Dating Concierge! If you are too busy to effectively date online, I will search up to three websites for appropriate matches, and ghostwrite introductory emails to prospective partners. Email me for details.

This website will be undergoing a major transformation. Webmistress, Teresa Murphy, is planning to update the site's look and functionality. I'll be able to post dating-tip videos and tutorials. I'll also have an ebook about online dating at midlife coming out mid-year which will be available here. On top of dating tips and advice, I'll have more articles that focus on where to meet people in the SF Bay Area. You'll begin to see different articles on the home page in the next few days.

Towards the end of March, a DVD production of my January 30 event "He says, she says: Power Tips For Demystifying Dating" will be available here. Other DVD's designed to enhance your dating effectiveness are coming soon.

I'll also continue live seminars, but plan to collaborate with special guests to bring you new expertise. My popular Flirting Field Trips will resume late February.

I'm partnering with Susan Kuchinskas, author of the Chemistry of Connection to bring you a seminar about how women's brains affect their love lives--and how to better manage some of those pesky chemicals. Save the date: March 20, 2010. Details coming soon!

I'm looking forward to bringing you a fantastic love life in 2010!