I've always been fascinated by the mechanics of why certain people are attracted to - or repelled from - other people.

Why is it certain guys look at you with that steamy gaze of desire?

And other guys just flick their glance here, there, and everywhere...

The funny thing is that the actual psychology of attraction is relatively simple. It's the politics of selfishness that get in the way.

Allow me to explain what I mean...

First of all, we have to remember that there are some basic principles to the psychology of attraction. Both men and women are attracted to those people who we find difficult to attain.

(The "Hard to get" principle.)

Human beings are actually setup in a kind of scarcity mentality from birth, through our childhood, well into our teens ... and beyond.

I believe that it's a survival mechanism. By perceiving resources as scarce, we are more likely to protect what we have, and work to obtain more, and be able to provide for our loved ones and family.

So it goes even with emotions.

The people we think of as being easiest to attain, (i.e.,"desperate", "needy") actually repulse us in a lot of ways.

Remember the kid in your school that was terribly insecure and needed friends almost as much as they needed air? (Actually that was me in the fourth grade. Shhh.)

What did this kid do? He or she would find the person who seemed like they needed a friend the most and then desperately pursue him or her until they managed to lock themselves into a sidekick role of some kind.

You might have had one of these kids as a friend, and they were so kind-hearted and nice, but terribly naive. They pushed you away with their need for approval and desperation. It was exasperating, because you knew they would be more "attractive" to other people if they weren't constantly chasing after them.

... And thus, pushing them away.

Where was I...?

Oh, yes.

So why do guys pull away when you finally seem to manage to get them right where you want them?

What is it about a man's psychology that freaks him out right when things are starting to get intimate?

Well, a lot of the pop culture psychologists and advisors out there try to make you believe that men have an inability to "commit."

While all the evidence seems to bear this conclusion out, it's really not that at all.

After all, I'm sure you've had a boyfriend that was reluctant for some reason to get into a "deep" relationship with you, and things steadily spiraled out of control into a breakup.

Two months later - he's in a new relationship...

... and they're freakin' ENGAGED.

It irks the you-know-what out of you, and it makes you want to swear off relationships and finally buy another cat.

But you don't want to be "crazy cat lady," so you hold off a bit longer. You're reading this, so you’re starting to sort this stuff out. Congrats.

Now let's get back to it.

Why is it that men seem to never commit?

Well, first of all, let's review a common mis-perception, and it's one you've probably been harboring as a belief for quite a while.

The fact is that women are brought up to believe that men are the "players" out there, eager to have quick hook-ups, but nothing substantial. Women have to "catch" men, and then somehow coerce or manipulate him into wanting marriage.

Look, I didn't start this thing. It's not cool, but that's what women have been pushed into believing. Watch some of those delightful "rom-coms" - romantic comedies - that are out there. It's always a gorgeous woman trying to pin down some frat-boy gorgeous guy who just hasn't quite matured.

But guess who's here to tame him and save the day!

Oy.

Then there's the "Obstacle to Love." Something that prevents the two from getting together, thus making all of us more invested in the struggle for True Love to prevail.

And after the frat-boy hunk has been sufficiently humiliated and made to see the error of his ways ... WHAM! He realizes that she's the one for him. He chases her down because she's just about to leave him forever...

He pledges his love, weeping ensues. Roll credits.

Yeah, I yearn for the days of a good romantic film, too.

Look, I'm not a cynic. I just realize that there is a very broad difference between Hollywood romance and REAL LIFE romance.

And you know it, too. That's why I think you're pretty cool.

ANYWAY...

We need to dispel this Prince Charming fairy tale and get back to the reality of dating.

Men actually will GLADLY commit...

To a woman who isn't trying to "CATCH" him.

Have you ever chased your cat around your apartment looking for a little love, and the furball just shrugs you off and hides in the closet?

But when you came in later that evening, just wanting to go to bed, there she was, weaving through your ankles and begging for a bit of petting and attention.

(This is something I teach guys, by the way. If you want your girlfriend's cat to like you, stop running after it and trying to pick it up.)

The reality of men is that we want a woman that does not make us their sole focus and target.

We want to be wanted, but not always NEEDED.

When a woman (or a man, by the way) gets interested in someone romantically, they find it hard to pull our attention away from them.

This has been theorized to be a necessary mechanism in humans to allow them to facilitate the bonding experience necessary to make a stable relationship.

The problem comes when it makes you a neurotic mess, and you find yourself obsessed with getting this particular guy.

The key is to simply find your SOCIAL BALANCE. You need a way to both distract you from endless rumination, as well as keep yourself plugged into your social network.

(This is one of the principles I teach in my "Get Your Man!" program. Notice that I am not talking about "catching" him. :)

In order to maintain the safe emotional distance necessary for a guy to feel your independence and feminine power, you need a good way to steady yourself and keep a positive equilibrium.

Here are a few ways:

1) Go out at least as many times with your friends as you do with the guy you're seeing.

By maintaining a comfortable balance between social and potentially romantic interactions, you can keep your attitude in a much healthier zone. Your friendships tend to nurture you, and - let's be honest - dating tends to be a draining experience.

Keep your energy and perspective in balance.

2) In the first 2 to 4 weeks of a possible relationship, do not see him more than once a week.

NO, this is not some manipulation or "Rule" to get him into you. IT'S FOR YOU! You need to keep yourself available for your own social and personal life, and to keep your perspective.

Remember that what I teach is not so that women can learn a new way to make a man dance like a puppet, the way some of the "gurus" out there do. I tell you how to leverage a strategy for yourself that yields a stronger YOU. That's always first.

3) Date other guys.

Yeah, you heard me on that one. You might have been brought up to believe that you should be "monogamous" with the person you're seeing, but you're not in a relationship quite yet. It's actually very harmful to settle into a pattern of "him-only" too early.

You're only in an exploration of other people, which means you can just relax the need to figure out "where this is going" for a bit longer when you've got other possible interests in your life.

Balance helps keep you from looking at your situation from a scarcity perspective and lowers the expectations to a more comfortable - and tolerable - level.

By removing the pressure from yourself, you'll relieve a lot of the pressure from him, and in the process give him the space he needs to relax and breathe, which then leaves him more likely to act on his role of taking things forward - and making it MUCH less likely

he'll pull away.

Your friend,

Carlos Xuma